So, in closing my little series on Cinderella Syndrome, I want to challenge encourage you with some things the Lord has taught me in my marriage. I pray that it would be beneficial to you as you think on marriage, approach engagement or are engaged. Here are some things I wish I had known before hand or changed my thoughts toward marriage. Some things I have done well, many things I would have changed. So, here we go…
I think one of the biggest areas I would have changed is what I believed marriage to be about. I was ready for Tom to “rescue “me and bring me into my castle. I believed I would own that American dream, white picket fence, 2.5 kids, 1 dog. You get the idea. Do you see who was left out of my “ideal marriage”? The Lord and secondly Tom, believe it or not. This was about me. Now, I was not at the place in my walk with the Lord that many of you are, in fact I was probably not saved so you have a big “up” on me, but the principal is good in that I wished I had gone into my marriage with a whole lot less of me. In the counsel we give in pre-marital, one of the first things we ask our couples is if they are ready to be selfless, setting aside themselves for their spouse. For you that is an understanding of the beginning. Your role defined in Genesis 2:20-25, “The man gave names to all the cattle, and to the birds of the sky, and to every beast of the field, but for Adam there was not found a helper suitable for him. So the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and he slept; then He took one of his ribs and closed up the flesh at that place. The LORD God fashioned into a woman the rib which He had taken from the man, and brought her to the man. The man said, "This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh; She shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.” God created you to be your husband's helper; you will now be one flesh. Willing to serve him, to follow him, to love him, to submit to his decisions, to honor him, to be loyal to him and to bring him good all the days of his life, as it says in Proverbs 31:12. How to do this? Philippians 2:3, “Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than your selves.” I wish I had understood this and had done a better job of this from the beginning. Go into your marriage ready to set yourself aside for your husband.
Don’t expect your future husband, who probably has ridden upon his white horse to have to stay on that white horse as Prince Charming. Don’t expect him to be perfect, to provide all of your wants and dreams. Notice that once again it has to be the Lord providing your needs as you both look to him. I had Cinderella Syndrome, poor Tom. It was so unfair of me to expect that which he could not do. I remember not too long ago studying Proverbs 31 again and just thinking on the “super woman” with a bit of a bad attitude that I had a whole chapter specifically telling me how I was to be. I remember talking to Tom a bit about it and kind of teasing that “we as women have this whole chapter spoken to us as wives, and I said what is there for the men?” He looked at me and laughed and said,”Yeah, we just get the rest of the Bible.” Now, we were kind of teasing each other, but I took his point to heart. Your future husband has a lot of responsibility laid out before him. He’s going to stand before the Lord one day presenting you and your children before Him and praying that he gives them back in what would be pleasing and honoring before His Lord. That’s a huge responsibility. How much easier for our husbands if we joyfully submitted to our role under their leadership. Remember he is not perfect. Grace him with the grace and mercy which our Lord has bestowed upon you.
Thirdly, be willing, to go where he feels the Lord lead you and your family. Even if you feel it best otherwise, go and go with a content heart. Instead of one of you being sanctified, it is two as one flesh. Many a time I have moved and many times I did not want to but as I look back I see how the Lord designed each move specifically to prepare Tom in some form for ministry. I did not always see the “big” picture and you will have to trust the Lord during those times. With this I say do not hold on tightly to the things of this world. One day a friend and I were painting and we were talking about Jody Frankfurt. This friend said to me something I have never forgotten and now I try to live by. She said Jody always walked with one foot in Heaven and one foot on earth. Colossians3:1-2,”Therefore if you have been raised up with Christ, keep seeking the things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth.” I know how fun it is to “set up” house and enjoy this and making your home, but remember what you own or not does not define your home. I have learned to be content with not a lot, maybe moving 30 times makes it a bit easier not to clutter and collect ;). I have learned to not desire the bigger and the better just the need. There is a lot you can do with little and your home is the lord and your family inside. Don’t get easily caught up in things. They tie you down and it will be a burden off of your husband to not have to worry about those things as what defines your happiness. Notice the little things your husband likes. Remember Romans 12:9-13 which says,” Let love be without hypocrisy Abhor what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor; not lagging behind in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord; rejoicing in hope, persevering in tribulation, devoted to prayer, contributing to the needs of the saints, practicing hospitality.” Hospitality does not take many things to make your home a warm refuge for your husband, your family and others.
Fourthly and lastly the key to these prior three suggestions and the foundation of your marriage will boil down to your walk with the Lord. Philippians 3:7-14,” But whatever things were gain to me, those things I have counted as loss for the sake of Christ. More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ, and may be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own derived from the Law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which comes from God on the basis of faith, that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death; in order that I may attain to the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained it or have already become perfect, but I press on so that I may lay hold of that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus. Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. This will be your stronghold. It will be hard and challenging, be ready to change up your quiet times with the Lord as your family grows and busyness fills the schedule but don’t neglect it. Upon this will you continue to walk in the Spirit and find peace and be in the best place you can as you love your husband, your family and your church. You’ll know it’s not right or that you need more time with Him as things start to seem chaotic or out of control. This is your most important role still, that as God’s daughter being obedient and glorifying to Him. The rest falls into place as he remains first. In the busyness and hard work of marriage, raising a family, ministry, jobs, don’t forget that this life is about Jesus Christ. Be ready to stay in the fire and be refined, because marriage will refine you!
Remember this verse, Mark 9:34, “And He summoned the crowd with His disciples, and said to them, "If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me.”
Just a little P.S. below ;)
P.S. Laugh often together! Tom and I laugh all the time!
